There was this staircase I was walking up, the edges were sharp. The flight of stairs ceased to have an ending though at one particular point, I slipped and smashed my forehead right into one of the edges. Sure it was bleeding like a bloody bitch but I got back up and continued on. Again I slipped and repeatedly smashed myself, it continued on and on until I could no longer recognise the person standing on the staircase alone, crying... who wouldn't cry? Especially when you no longer know who you are.
My dreams are slightly starting to terrify me. More nightmares than fairy tales, more deaths than I can keep count. Each one scaring the crap out of me like the five year old kid I was back then who was afraid of the dark. I'd rather the thought of dark spirits creeping around than the tears I wake up to most nights. At least back then, the thought of having my mom sleep beside me helped rid of those fuckers. Now, even having her beside me as I sleep I enter a world in which she is forbidden from.
I wish I could leave this place. I am prepared to risk losing everything close to me just so I could escape. Selfish, but frankly I don't really want to care anymore... not that I don't value the friendship I have with the greatest beings alive, its importance means so much to me that words couldn't begin to fathom. It just doesn't feel right, nothing ever does in this state of mind.
On a happier note, I've realised the great values of being Cambodian but not looking so much like one. I go places and eavesdrop in people's conversations. They think I don't understand but when I call my parents and speak in their native language they have this surprised expression on their faces. It's awesome.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
early 2011, BRING IT ON!
mid 2011, FUCK I CAN'T DO THIS
late 2011, BANGS HEAD ON STAIRCASE
