I feel a little out of it lately, ever since I've gotten my pup. Don't get me wrong I love him to bits, I want to live and eat with him if I could, well technically I can but okay I wouldn't want to. I really wanted him to sleep inside with me though, however my parents won't let me bring him in. He has a habit of sitting on our back door step when we've all gone in and cry a little, then he goes off to his bed in the cosy shed out back and sleep. How I know? My uncle tells me he sees him asleep in his kennel every morning at around 5am. Now that's cute. I know he just wants to be part of the family, and if I could have it my way, he'd be sleeping in my bed every night, if he is clean. If he was smaller then maybe my parents wouldn't mind so much. However, the problem allies within the fact that he's only a 4 and a half month pup, weighing in at almost 20 kgs. Now that's big, my 4 year old brother is 16 kgs.

I've named him Bear, simply because I thought Bear would be an adorable name, and so it is. At first I wanted a Shar pei, or a Pug considering how much I love their fat rolls and how adorable I find their faces to be, but the 8 month pup I wanted from the RSPCA named Baxter was already adopted. I was upset yes, but I knew Baxter was in a good home. Mom was explaining to me how one of my distant cousins had a pup  who they really wanted to give away, she said he was short, black, big and fat. Really descriptive I know. When she said "big" I thought he was an older dog, I didn't mind an older dog, however I did really want a smaller pup so we could house him. Being that I was really desperate, I thought I might as well go check this so called pup out.

And the minute I laid eyes on him, I LOVED HIM! He's the best pup ever. Too cute, just then I yelled at him for biting and scratching me, so when we started our walk he was feeling really disappointed and upset, he wouldn't run with me. So I sat down and assured him that I only yelled at him because he hurt me, and we had a great run afterwards. He's the best, he makes me happy and I hope he can have a friend sometime soon in the near future.



Aside all that, I'm feeling a little down. To sum it all up, this is how I feel. :/
Yeah that little emoticon face is how I feel. I wish someone knew, I wish someone could understand me, I'm not really happy any more. Being happy takes too much energy, and life at the moment isn't helping either. I want to rant about my problems to someone but then again, I don't want to tell anyone. Something happened, I won't say when or what but it happened and it was horrible. It may seem that I'm okay now, but  I'm really never gonna to get over it. It's just that small thing that will always be in the back of my mind, that little thing that makes me feel insecure about myself, and then hate myself for not learning to accept who I am.

It has gotten to the point where I'm starting to hate everything about myself. I am really, really upset, and I can't talk to no one about it. I'm not looking forward to anything, I just want to be done with everything and walk away. WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS GOD DAMMIT. Why do I keep having to deal with this, why do I keep have to be so god damn weak? It really isn't fun, The only thing that helps right now is if I cry, and crying makes me feel pathetic, especially when you're crying every night. Having a cry makes me feel better, it really does.

I'm calm now.

People are the reason why life is so intriguing, so worth living. People are also the reason why living is so difficult. But don't you ever let anyone get you down, it's unavoidable I know, sometimes even from the people you least expect it from, but don't you ever feel as though you're not enough, that who you are isn't beautiful enough. Because you are beautiful, you are great, you are who you are and a lot of people admire that about you. You will grow up to have a beautiful family with kids whom you'll love so much. You'll be the best mom out there, some times you may not feel like it but you are a wonderful friend, and even if some things get you down, you are strong and you will pick yourself up and carry on. I believe in you I really do, I really do try to believe in you but you don't know how hard it is to listen to yourself. I know one bad thing happened, or a few, but you must not let that get the best of you.

It's so damn hard you wouldn't know, so fucking damn hard.

Labels: baby, dog, Labrador, love, pet, pup, staffy